After writing on grief after Separation/divorce, one of my favorite brothers got worried and called to check if am OK and then he asks “why do you write like that..?” 🤔…
I shared raw grief because when interacting with victims & survivors of domestic violence, I still hear a lot of pain attached to the lost marriage. Even as they heal from abuse they block the door to healing from the lost marriage. Somehow people believe, because that man/woman was an abuser everything in it was bad. But darling there are good things you stirred in that marriage that somehow got trashed, you birthed beautiful babies that now have to stay with either of you. They call it co-parenting but you see it crashing the heart of your children because both of you are still stuck in your lost marriage. Your idea of marriage just diminished like that.
Your friends will laugh and say, but is that marriage worth crying for? Cry darling then build up yourself on fresh grounds, even fresh love once you’re above the waters.
Dear survivor/victim of domestic abuse, separate your pains and deal with each on their own. And yes, grieve over the loss of that marriage, you didn’t dive into it to swim out.
You see marriage is nurtured and for those years or months you did just that. You invested in it deeply, you only can tell. Even if some investments you did out of your own dysfunctions, you still did give it your all, so grieve and get done with it. Acknowledge your pain having lost, respect your voice, crack open your wound and let it heal unhidden and affirmed.
This week someone joked that they’re waiting to see me cry on my birthday when they surprise me.
In this picture, I really cried, I tried stopping but it kept flowing. My colleagues laughed and said they really got me. They didn’t know I was crying because that surprise was a trigger. This was Sept 27th; it was the 4th week having left my marriage. They reminded me of the warmth of a family; it was like someone said without saying that I was valued. So I teared some more, it was a chance to grieve the lost marriage, I was putting up a strong face and this gesture broke the banks.
As you grieve the loss of your dignity through domestic abuse, it’s OK to grieve for the lost marriage.
You see abuse steals from you; it tells you to your face that you’re worthless, because it makes you feel so. Them abusing you emotionally, killed, stole and destroyed your self-esteem, your profession, your social life, your demeanor……Sometimes back I said abusers are agents of Satan carrying out the missions of their father the devil. They steal your voice, they destroy your destiny, and they unseat and dethrone you. Abuse paralyses a person. Abuse leaves one hollow.
Grieving affirms your inner child; it acknowledges the pain that Abuse caused. God is on a mission of picking your broken pieces knitting you back together according to His purpose and will.
When it was still fresh, I scheduled times for grieving.
Every day at lunch hour I walked through Jabavu Lane through to Lenana Road crying.
Masks came in handy.
As I went home in the evening, I walked from Chaka Road to prestige Plaza weeping. Weeping because I chose to walk where there cars and matatus moved faster and the noise swallowed my voice.
During that season I met a drunkard who from nowhere shouted, “hata ukijiskia kulia, lia tu kwani iko nini, si naskia Mungu huona watu. ” Oooh he broke me open, I bursted. It was at night and I didn’t care.
I’d reach home fresh and ready to parent my children without resentment, bitterness and anger..
So I write these things to let you know that it’s OK to grieve over your lost marriage after divorce and separation even if you left because of domestic abuse.
May the Lord comfort you and heal you completely.
May He cushion you and embrace you. Rest on His bosom; let Him collect all your tears. His name is Jehovah recompense.
As I write this am not where I was, it’s been two years. The day I’ll attend a wedding I’ll serenade myself.
To my friends who invited me for their weddings yet I missed, am sorry. I had the dress but I lacked the courage.
Love & Light to the separated and divorcees.