Sometimes back the word “Forgiveness” was such a bad trigger. I’d hear it and change routes or even give my version and stand by it.
And overtime my version of forgiveness has changed depending on the nature of how I/ they acted, what I/they said and even what I/ they didn’t do.
Am happy that whilst my version of forgiveness has kept shifting, God’s version hasn’t, He has kept it at that. So I won’t add any syllable or a punctuation mark to His word. He draws me to His version daily and gently because He is interested in my wholeness.
Last weekend one of the little humans I share my abode with, walked into the kitchen from whence I was busy singing or maybe croaking my praise away. He said ” mummy nikifanya kitu,please don’t remind me the next day”
No, I didn’t hear him well I needed to listen so he explained; “If you’ve talked to me after I’ve wronged you mummy, huwa naskiza so please don’t repeat repeat ” Eeeh, you don’t talk to your mama like that!
So I chose to put my guard down and engaged him in a conversation and we did strike a balance.
At some point I was like this CBC chap is conning me into buying his idea of forgiveness.
This little guy, day 3 into the brand new year had dealt with us in such major ways.
We could no longer flash the toilet, he broke the handle.
Our kettle could no longer serve us, he repaired it a different way.
The toilet seat is almost flying from its place of origin, maybe he fought with it.
Our banner is speaking some other language when we power it on; he did things he can’t remember how to undo.
And many other unmentionable things and he boldly tell me I shouldn’t remind him, I shouldn’t repeat repeat.
My daughter was listening to the conversation in pretense to watching cartoon; The Fancy Nancy. She rushed to the washroom and shouted ” Mummy who broke this handle, I can’t flash the toilet, mummy hii ni kazi ya Kael?” I didn’t hear nor answered but I did listen.
I come from that place whereby if by any chance you let the cows ate the only soap available, you’d be laughing with your fellow playmates and you hear your mama’s voice ” Eeh cheka, cheka sana juu unajua kuweka sabuni vizuri” Like when you do a mistake, your life kinda stops for some time till they’ve run out of reminders.
So currently we see the malfunctioning kettle in our kitchen and we swallow the reminders. We enter the washroom and we shut up, we can improvise till then. We don’t repeat repeat
Then it got me thinking.
What if I don’t keep enslaving myself with the mistakes I did from yesterday backwards? Or even yourself, what if you stop?
Myself I’ve made such gross mistakes, but who’s God, He still finds me irresistible.
Till few years back, I couldn’t forgive myself for getting pregnant out of wedlock. It was such a taboo during my time. In my mind years later, I’d see myself going to catch that belle and I’d crucify myself on the cross and even hand me some crown of shame. I dragged myself in mud severely, no, I had no mercy. I remember that morning when I realized that my turquoise fitting sweater was kinda bulging at the tummy area; I rushed to the nearby clinic to check. And it was what it was. I called home to apologize to my mother, that the worst has happened and that I am sorry. I wanted to stand at KICC and apologize to the whole world. I met my youth leader and I almost knelt to say, sorry sir. I felt wrong in all ways, I didn’t trust myself till few years ago. I kept feeling I’ll mess it all up.
Lost in seeking forgiveness and making amends yet
I couldn’t let go off myself. I held me with such a tight grip. I verified myself with such cruelty and just a morsel of grace. It’s like I kept telling myself that :
“Emily you’re incapable..
“You’re not for trusting
“You’ll do another mistake soon
” Let them speak for you, you don’t know anything
” Let them be the drivers of your life,
“You’re a failure, even this one you can’t………
And a lot more.
You see failing to forgive self is as dangerous as failing to forgive them because in both cases there’s no healing. Yes no healing takes place when a wound is dragged along rocks and thorns in forever series.
It’s like passing a zipper through a fresh wound every time. It won’t heal.
The same measure applied in failure to forgive self is the same measure applied when we’re unable to forgive the other.
A wound that heals is the one that is dressed and handled with so much grace and lots of love.
Being gracious to self, begets grace for the other.
My journey has taught me that: When I am gracious with myself it will be easier to be gracious with the other. But when I choose to be tough and rough with me, woe unto them.
And even so, I give myself time I don’t punish myself if I don’t act like I should. Am gracious to myself. I don’t repeat repeat (In my son’s voice) I don’t give mistakes glory.
Effects of unforgiving self
- Lack of growth, you keep holding yourself back because you don’t trust yourself enough-Stagnation
- Fear/ Lack of confidence- ooh, ask me, this is detrimental it’s like a sickness
- You see no good in others as well as yourself or at times you feel you’re better than them – pride
- Lack of joy – With a tight grip on you and the other person from whence would joy spring?
- Lack of healthy relationships- You’re unhealthy you’ll attract your type.
- Unhealthy expectations..
And a lot more
You can add some…
And even after the wound has healed or is healing, you don’t play around hazardous materials that brought it forth.