Sometimes am aloof, sometimes am warm, sometimes niko tu(am just there). Sometimes am bubbling with laughter. How’s your healing journey so far?
Sometimes am not picking calls from the persons I know, sometimes am not responding to their messages and sometimes am just saying yes and no. Ironically those times you’ll find me in a cab having the best laughter of my life, am cracking up to their stories and mine and just saying things that I sometimes don’t say. Or sometimes am having a deep conversation with a stranger that I may never see again. Yes yeah only sometimes.
The journey of healing is beautiful and ugly at the same time. One morning you wake up prefring the place of abuse, that is if you had gone through abuse, sometimes you just want to eat live through the day and sleep thinking nothing and assuming you’re also seeing and hearing nothing and even feeling nothing. It’s not a straight line.
Sometimes I have woken up mourning my father and telling myself that were he here, I’d be loved through the grief of lossing the marriage and even
abuse. And such times I want to just live on the fantasy of having a father. And to some extent I disconnect from the reality of how things are. And I sometimes stay there longer. Sometimes you just want to resurrect the dead when the closest living are not seeing and hearing you, you imagine at least there will be someone and its only the dead.
Sometimes I wake up expecting someone to ask me how I’ve slept. Sometimes I want that someone to come from my family, sometimes I want that someone to come from my inlaws those days because at such times I convince myself that they can’t just distant themselves from me, no. Sometimes I want someone who knew me from church to call me and ask me if I have been eating and sleeping well. Sometimes I want my mother to ask me if I can feel my little toe – if am in touch with my feelings. Sometimes and just sometimes I loose focus.
Sometimes I want my children to just brush their shoes on time, clean up after themselves, brush their teeth without me reminding them, wash up utensils not forgetting the sufurias or my daughter not telling me her hands can’t wash my cooking pots. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in the
bedroom to just eat, listen to music, sleep and show up the next day after they’ve prepared themselves, pack their snacks by themselves and still catch the van on time .Sometimes I just want to shift to an island and change my name and even shave my hair bald and just sit with the native there, make stories and laugh all my life. Sometimes I want to escape from Emily but am not sure if I’d love to be Monica.
Sometimes I want someone else to tell me what I should do even if I have already known what to do.
This reminds me of one Friday last month, I had applied for a leave day to handle a matter that was scaring me, yet I knew I had no other option. I still struggle with reaching out for help, but that day Sherryn Currie having sent me her contact, I called her crying and telling her that I can’t leave the bed to shower and go to those scary offices it was already 9am and still I was stuck in bed. She got me speeding off and even offered to accompany me there. She had already given me enough umph to go alone. Earlier she had texted me to buy myself a mirror and talk to myself daily, I can’t tell for how long I had stayed without a mirror. I bought it last year in Nov. That mirror served its purpose so well in Dec, since I was sick and alone in the house, I’d go there talk to myself and admire myself and even
dance there. You see how healing can be messy and stupid, even I don’t like it, but I love it.
Sometimes I have cried over nothing and everything.
Sometimes in the evenings when the cars are too fast for me and I can’t cross the Waiyaki way or when I cross am panicking because am seeing the car is already at my feet or sometimes the lights make me have blurred vision, me I cry because at such time I hear the voice of you’re alone my friend.
And sometimes I laugh at myself and even those sometimes moments.
So sometimes when a person I know is going through their own sometimes, I just choose to love them in their own moments without catching feelings because I understand the sometimes of the healing journey.
Healing journey is an Oxymoron
Those words that look like chaotic romance or carnival of miseries.
But it’s only sometimes and not all the time.
Take it easy and be gracious with self and to self.
Sometimes am grey just as the photo on this article, but not all the time.
~Omondi Emily