So someone argued “it is you the divorcees/separated who wants to be treated with extra niceness and attention and you make it hard for us to love you”
Am not refuting this statement, neither am I banking it because I would say, there’s half truth in it.
It is extremely difficult to deal with unhealed divorcees who’ve experienced discrimination in church unless you’re extremely gracious. I take it again; extremely gracious.
So by Dec last year, life had driven me to a not so good place that my comfort zones couldn’t accommodate me. So I ended up in Heaven’s Gate Nakuru prayer centre.
As I minded my business, a lady sharing the same room I was in asks me “Dada are you married”?
Me: What?
Her: I was asking if you’re married
Me: How’s that coming into my being here?
He: It was just a polite question, I felt the need to ask you I don’t know why.
Me: Eeeh, that’s how you see us, now you want to tell me to go back to my husband, I know you church people. What if it was your daughter who was abused, people are so insensitive…now you’re calling me divorced and adulterous…bnlsldjdjdjfhf blablbwsbbdhdndjdjfjfjfjfjfnfbfjdjdjjfkn………. I did 500 words in a minute.😎
I was breathing heavily, I was angry , NO, I was so vexed that I was forming a fist!
In attempt to excuse myself from that space, she motions me to sit and calm down. Even as overdressed as I was, you’d see my chest rising and falling furiously!
Then she says.
“I know there’s alot of judgement in church on divorcees and the kind of rejection you people go through has made you this aggressive and on behalf of the church I am sorry”. She kept talking actually affirming me first, then spoke to the situation and finally she rebuked me with lot’s of love.
She spoke to me at length, she still calls me whenever she has to tell me something. God had sent her to make me see the weight I carried – bitterness, rejection, anger and hatred and He also sent her to make me see His Truth about my identity and even dislodged myself off the mark I wore and defended -divorcee.
Then I regained my normal breathing.
You see It’s normal to be defensive when you’ve experienced so much criticism,discrimination, misunderstanding and all the filth that comes with leaving a marriage. I didn’t even know I was ever defensive, I didn’t know that I saw every interaction with a fellow Christian as a judgement. I just knew they’d judge me because they already did and so I kept defending my cause.
I kept wanting to affirm myself then if non dared. I think I walked with twisted brows and clenched fist communicating “Get out of ma way, or else!”
If noone was protecting me, then I was going to protect myself and the how was on me.
It was the experience I got when I kept explaining myself to people about how I was abused and then they’d trash all my explanations and make me feel like a lunatic.
It was the experience of me showing a fellow Christian my swollen hand after the abuse but they still asked me to reconsider building my marriage.
It was an experience of telling my fellow Christian that I can’t go back to my marriage because I fear that person just incase I die in one of their anger bouts, then they ask me if I have tried initiating intercourse with the abusive man. Then without shame they tell me how sex has away of dispelling all pains! The experience makes me angry!
It was the experience of being told by my fellow Christian that Luos and Luhyas don’t divorce and am just wasting time, instead I should go build my home.
It was an experience of a Christian sending my ex husband to come to my house as often as he wishes because am just misinformed and am still his wife.
It was an experience of a Christian telling me to accept and move on as I tried to explain the pains of coparenting with their fellow Christian brother.
It was an experience of Christians telling me to stop writing about abuse because it happens everywhere and am not the first one.
It was an experience of a Christian asking me if there was more I could do after putting up with abuse in silence as they enjoyed my fake smile.
It was an experience of a Christian telling me am very sturbbon, unforgiving, misinformed by counsellors and even swayed by my single friends and so am breaking my house with my hands.
Till now, especially this week I still experience the pain on my left hand that cannot lift heavier stuff anymore.
In one sentence it is the experiences that we stomached explaining our exits that can never be embraced and so we’ve been angry, bitter and resentful. But as you can see I gave up the burden to Jesus and am lighter though wobbling towards healing.
Some divorcees/separated are yet to get there
And so on their behalf I ask for more grace and patience. I still get hot angry sometimes.
And just to add; the experience of even handling our children post divorce/Separation is enough to make us defensive, angry and hateful when we’re not healed.
Just to share the shareable for now
It’s close to one year since my son started defending himself, the puzzle he couldn’t solve when he saw his dad raising blows now he emulates well. He fights everyone that dares him in school, My Mich was the most peaceful loving boy I know. I have even held his hands and prayed for them to stop beating other children. Am learning to have conversations, practising patience and learning to be gracious daily
It’s almost two years having to handle a daughter who had stopped bet wetting but resumed the act in full force night and day. I mean when she has a trigger from whatever source she’ll wet herself wherever. And I don’t enjoy the rounds of cleaning I have to do always, we celebrate on dry days and affirm on wet days.
I didn’t justify anything, am just saying that it would nice if we extend a little grace and patience with anyone in a healing journey, even yourself.
~ Emily Omondi