So, yesterday after weeks of intense topics in divorce care class we were tackling SINGLE LIVING.
I loved it, there was ease, my heart didn’t race, but Forgiveness is my favourite topic because it’s what I struggled with the most and God used the hardest ways for me to embrace it. Ogopa Mungu nani!
Let’s talk about this singlehood thing in our language without psychology.
So mimi, at first I didn’t know what being single meant. Infact I feared to mention that I am single, sometimes I lied that I was married, a lot of times I have said that am divorced to put boundaries or to end conversations with them that I had studied and found to be judgemental. Sometimes I can overthink, but I catch myself.
I Feared Being Single
I marked my Facebook status single as an act of rebellion then but now am at ease with it.
I feared being single.
I feared being a single mother.
I feared being a single divorced woman.
I feared being a single divorced believer.
I feared being a single divorced woman in my early thirties. I felt it would be better if I was in my 40s or 50s.
I feared being a single divorced mother with two children who are growing so fast to be put in some mix or a blend of things.
No, I feared the word single.
I felt it singled me out and undressed me and it jeered at my nakedness. Like it made fun of my form and design..
Yes form and design!
I was a Christian believer brethren! Did I also say I was religious as I kept believing!
No, it wasn’t a normal single, you know the normal one right?
I didn’t want to tell a guy I am single with two children and I was married before or is it earlier?
No, I don’t want to warm up to Methusellah then see him in deep thoughts as I explain myself to him… then my head will be doing calculations of the threatening heights of my children who’re already dwarfing me! No, I didn’t want to imagine myself dating Methusella or any fella.
No, I feared that Methu would love the idea of marrying me but then he’d wake up the next morning with an opinion about my children. And then he’ll realize that it was only an idea and his opinion is giving and he’ll begin advising me to look for my type – fellow divorcees or even forget the marriage thing.
Ati he was only intrigued with the idea of my silhouette in his bedroom and my warmth in his home and my soups garnished with laughter in his kitchen.
I’d imagine being all over him around the city in my playfulness, then my tall gangs call me to ask if I’m on my way back Dating was so barred in my life.
The word single with other tags defined me in so many ways, I couldn’t see that the reason for the season was to be refined!
I stigmatised, and stereotyped myself so much with the fears I had around my singlehood.
Finally Found Self & Lifted My Head Up
The thing is, I didn’t know how to be compassionate with my season. I wasn’t empathetic one bit. The same rod the worlds around me used, I picked and spanked me some more.
I didn’t know how to enjoy my presence… my beautiful aura!
You see, compassion sees beyond the status, it sees the person.
Empathy introduces one to their real selves.
Yes, self love has a way of handing the power armor to us.
Then I began seeing myself some more, I began seeing me beyond the shames in my head, beyond the names I thought were mine.
I began identifying myself with the right family – God’s family!
I began seeing the seed that I carry in my singleness or is it in my divorceness or single-motherness! Ooh I began seeing the treasures within.
Then I began serving the treasures to others who were in need. I began seeing the abundance within and sharing with them that God brought my way. And, oh what joy it is to draw from the cistern of the Lord!
I began to tap on the fountain that I am!
I began seeing myself as an entity and my perspective about my singlehood or divorcee changed!
I began living from within and not without.
I got hungrier for coherence in my life.
Conclusion
I stopped worrying if Methu will cut corners or he’ll stay at the table.
I stopped worrying if Methu will like my offspring or not because I’ll respect their choices and mourn no loss.
Now it’s me pinching myself because when I like Methu, I will know. Methu can always wait.
I see he doesn’t like himself a whole lot and his values are porous.
I stopped worrying if the world can tap into my waters and be refreshed from my fountain because I draw from the Fountain of life – Jesus..
It’s been a refreshing season.
Then on singlehood still we can also talk of financial constraints more so when we have children and bills.