Forgiveness And Reconciliation After Leaving An Abusive Marriage?

I wouldn’t jump for a YES or a NO but ask which reconciliation is top-priority.

Last year, at the Global School Of Missions – The Farm, I learnt that misplaced spiritual position results in misplaced relationships. At the time, I battled with that thought because shifting blame is always safer or rather being a victim is comfortable, but for how long?

Today I am tempted to say that misplaced spiritual position results  in warped, sick, ailing and even dead relationships. But I refrain and choose to be gentle.

Today I write on matters of forgiveness and reconciliation for those who’ve gone through different kinds of abuses in a marriage. I now know, I have known and some of us know that by the time an individual enslaves another in the prison of abuse their spiritual position is shaky wobbly and maybe there’s no position at all but a title of I am a christian. 

Forgiveness and reconciliation

Hence the need of us Christians checking that this person is reconciled first with God before hailing from the highways and byways of the church that this person needs to be reconciled because marriage is a holy institution. Holy stopped when disintegration started happening.Abuse makes the soul a wreckage.

I didn’t know, but now I know and have known that in oblivion,an individual going, have gone or went through abuse has a spiritual position that is compromised, dwindling and even falling until they choose to see.

Any victim  of abuse at one point in their lives went through a season of ailing and ailing that their relationship with God was so sketchy if not silent.And yes, where would strength to connect with God come from or even the urge to enjoy a relationship with him? In most cases it begins and ends in pleasantries. Religiosity comes in handy, and it’s ok.

Hence the need to first redeem their relationship with God. I have had a beautiful few years now of God reconciling me to Himself. I resisted at first, but when I surrendered He’s not stopped since.

Take your time as you consider reconciliation

I want to be biased and say that those who’ve gone through abuses in marriages, may need to be away from reconciliation tables longer before considering it.

There are: 

  • Some of us who have children that remind us of the abuse
  • Some are on ARVs having contracted HIV & AIDS and going back to the spouse that caused it is safer than staying seeking for acceptance from those who didn’t cause it…
  • Some are on hypertensive medicines
  • Some have scars that remind them each morning about the abuse
  • Some have broken body parts
  • Some have deep losses … are paying loans for their ex partners …
  • …and a lot more – a whole lot more.

I choose to be biased  and say that they need to concentrate more on their healing – more than they want reconciliation or more than how they’re buying in reconciliation. 

Most victims/survivors of abuse have gone through anger and bitterness that resulted in resentment that can’t be rushed to reconciliation.

It’s a process of unyoking, unlearning, cleansing, riding off, shedding off, mind renewal,relearning and doing away with all the conformations and embracing transformation first before consuming the information of reconciliation. 

“They have to go through a full cycle of healing then make a decision about patching up the torn fabric of marriage or getting a whole new fabric.”Emily Omondi

For survivors of domestic abuse a lot is to be considered before reconciling with the spouse that was.

There’s personal healing that is super wide.

There’s healing for children if there was.

There’s healing at depth because the marriage lifted the roof off underlying issues – all of a sudden they discover they had mother/father wounds, fear of abandonment, rejection etc.

A healed woman is a healthy marriage.

A healed man is a healthy marriage.

Hence no rush, even if they consider drawing a line of not stepping back to the former marriage they still need to heal for the next marriage.

Embrace the healing journey

Healing from abuse is one journey that ain’t a straight line. It’s a journey of learning how to coexist with people because one was once in a programmed life. 

It’s like coming from the military then learning to live with the civilians, I am wondering if the military is a good example or prison is.

Four years later and I am still learning how to live with people in every aspect of my life. I say every aspect.

One thing Christians need to know is that during a season of separation and divorce, God works with each spouse differently and separately. However the resistance and throwing of arms here and there, a time reaches when the Holy Spirit gently pins down either of them into a quiet surrender. 

Until the workings of the Lord is complete then reconciliation would be premature.

Then there’s willingness of either parties, the times when one is still busy justifying themselves or exalting their pains there will still be grace and more grace and more grace. At this time the two Christians are indifferent and running around seeking camps and votes, even if the children were part of the union it doesn’t matter, it’s a season for exalting self. But time comes.

Just later on, the camps get empty and the scales fall off and the emptiness speaks a language that’s not easy to ignore. It says you ought to heal to experience me better before anything else marriage notwithstanding. 

It’s a tough time for this separated/divorced Christian but until surrender happens and they come to a place of pure repentance and remorsefulness they have no reason to reconcile however how committed they’re in church. Both the survivor and the abuser.

It’s a season that GOD separates them from themselves and for Himself.

Receive God’s reconciliation

Reconciliation of the marriage is not the ultimate goal but reconciliation of the victim or the abusers’ soul that was once disintegrated is God’s first interest. Integration of one’s life to God is a beautiful path to redeeming relationships that were lost.

The abuser needs to be in  a place of uttering amidst resistance that “I was wrong… and I need help. I need to be set free from myself.”

You see we can be so right and justified in our eyes that we fail to hear God’s beckon or see Him. We’re so obsessed with the applause we’ve received in life, from society, friends and family.

When an abusive person is backed by fellow believers or church or family depending on how the information reached them, they will never lift the gaze from themselves. No healing, no growth.

A Christian who is an abuser only God can unpack, unclothe and redeem to Himself and only if they want. They’re their own gods and separating a person from their god is quite something, they have to break their gods and take part in lynching them and come running into the throne of Mercy.

And also, a christian who went through abuse but landed into the warm arms of the same tribe, same community that speaks his/her language, tells him/her how the spouse was bad and they’re forever fixated on the abuser and they keep unshelling and analyzing their character each dawn can never walk past themselves. They will never lift their gaze until they WANT to. Hence, no healing, no growth.

The day they choose to want and disengage from the worship of pain that had long become their god then their healing starts and redemption is nigh. 

What I mean is; we first have to be reconciled to God before our relationships are redeemed. Abuse lynches the soul of both the victim and the perpetrator, the latter’s ego may be too puffed for them to know though.

A joyous Emily hugging happily

Do you want to be made whole?

Unto the Christian believers who are separated/divorced and have gone through abuse, do you want to be made whole?

If yes, walk the process.

Reconciliation is God’s idea, He who knitted together the insides of us, and is walking both the man and the woman  through the journey of healing, if they’re willing.

He knows if he wants to redeem the marriages or if He wants to redeem us differently by placing us in other families. And a time comes when we both get to know this because we’re calm and quiet enough to hear Him and see Him and His will.

This happens when integration happens. When we have allowed God to pick us and knit us back together piece by piece from the rubbles and disintegration. 

To the survivor of domestic abuse. Lean in, feed more from Him, God is the redeemer of relationships. And His redemption may not necessarily be reconciling the marriage.

Photos: Some of the illustration pictures are from

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