Self Doubt

I had a very beautiful weekend.

At around 6am on Monday Vivi sends me a text “Em, how are you?” And I say “I am free I feel uncaged”. Come 8am till 10am I had already allowed myself to sip in toxins and also poured out toxins, am now taking breaks to visit the washroom to catch my breath because my heart is constantly racing and I feel insane. In the washroom I kept assuring myself “Emily you’re not crazy right?, you woke up free right? so from whence did you gather the weight? ” I kept self therapizing at the time Counsellor Naomi was calling me.

Self Doubt

I write this for all who’ve gone through domestic abuse and again to myself.

“Emily you’re hiding behind domestic violence, you’re just full of pride, arrogance, manipulation  and you had planned to leave the marriage even your mother is very disappointed in you”  I hail you all who are strong and such statement can’t affect you. Myself I sip in words sometimes without sieving, I can choose to sip it all.Makosa.

Last weekend we laid to rest a colleague, post mortem showed that she was hit by a blunt object and also she was suffocated to death. This brought series of me telling myself “Emily you didn’t lie, it’s true that man pinned you to the wall, held you by the neck, he didn’t loosen his grip even when you gasped for breath, he said “I can do worse than this…. ” You see last year on a mediation table my brother in Christ says “I can’t strangle Emily how can I, am not a wife batterer, I was slowly lowering Emily to lie on the bed… That made me mad, I started interrogating myself, he was saying it so gently and calmly. If you’ve had me talk you know my voice has no calmness but hoarseness so my truth may not sound truthful, hehe yeah.

 So the death of that lady, made me start telling myself that the night of 16th June 2019, I’d have died then again my mind started saying Emily you’re lying due to how I have been doubted by family and called a liar. The past two weeks were foggy for me.

But imagine, I’ve learnt that God heals us off self doubts too, because it can hinder us from relating with Him as a father, as God. A father know His child and what’s good for His child, and He doesn’t do it to prove people wrong. He works towards perfecting us, I mean all of us for His own glory.

You see, I used to journal mostly on my notebooks, the deepest of depth are hidden in my journals and all hand written then due to those that I thought would believe me doubting me, I opted to write out here in the public. I started writing here to affirm my voice and confirm to self that am not insane. When I write, I hear me, I feel me and I extend grace to me and I learn and unlearn. And I also separate facts and truths from feelings.

I have kept going through series of self doubt from 2020 August- when I started becoming more self aware. When I had explained myself to the ones that saw it noble for me to stay in the marriage and they couldn’t understand my reasons, I felt insane. At that time I had a swollen hand, and I was scared all the time. Those times at night whenever I’d sense his highness’ hand on me I’d scream, he’d shush me. I’d move closer to the wall. It happened every night for 3 months since the last physical abuse. On weekends I spent my days in the kitchen singing and cooking to self heal.

Before I knew it, my mind started gathering ideas, visualizing the location of the pan and the knife, having conversations like “if he raises a fist, I’ll reach for the pan or even this knife” Till date I fear knives, I only sharpen them when I want to use them and not prior. Self doubt can welcome dangerous and aggressive self defense mechanism or push you to a lethargy- no will or even urge to say it, do it or push it.

Self Doubt is initiated by those around us, or circumstances we find ourselves in or even our own self defeating patterns but then again if projected by others we’re the one to carry the burden of breathing it out and it may take a while. We may keep breathing it out, pause to catch our breath, when we want to keep breathing out we pause again, and it takes longer.

Self doubt says you’re not good enough and so you may stop doing it all

Self doubt will say you don’t love well enough and so you angrily work hard loving and you hurt self in the process, the burden is heavy.

Self doubt will say you’re not close to being a good woman and you dive in to becoming it in all toxic ways and you hurt self in the process. It’s self that gets hurt but not the ones you may need to prove yourself to.

Self doubt will sip through to your career space

without knocking, then your senior start asking if you’re ok, and you’ll affirm but output will confirm you’re not. Or you’ll aggressively push to the maximum get all the accolades and go home empty feeling you’ve not done it.

To those who’ve gone through domestic abuse and there happens to be twists and turns from family and the abuser, take a pause and affirm your voice quietly. Mostly you won’t have strength to say it aloud but whisper life to yourself. It hurts when your family shift gears and turns guns on you and you either have to nod to the shooting or ask them to keep their guns because you’re giving in. Do know that saying yes to the shooting is painful but fortunately you won’t die. With time the flesh will die and you’ll start hearing the gunshots far behind you because you’ll be walking past them.

Because they’re weights that may be defeaning you and blurring your vision to the new things the Lord is opening you into. The weights will present many other truths casting a shadow on the absolute truth that you lifted your eyes to – God the lifter of your head, your shield, the one pulling you out of the miry clay so eager to present you to His people as a gift to them. He wants you freed from the bondage.

Your family, the abuser and even yourself may not know that what is ahead is bigger than the fog of self doubt  you’re in.

And so these past two days  I struggled with self doubt, but we refuse to give weights a fertile ground to thrive in, We strip them off.

Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”

~Omondi Emily

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