For quite a while I have been asked to even share on how I contributed to the breaking of my marriage.
Quite a huge task right?
The period of separation even before divorce is a good time for self reflection, engaging in introspection, touching, feeling and calling out one’s contribution towards a broken marriage. Pointing a finger is nice and easy but it lessens our focus on self and give attention to him or her.
This applies to victims of domestic abuse too.
Domestic abuse is one of the issues that surround a troubled marriage/relationship. There are things happening within the marriage that boils up to blows and slaps if not emotional, financial or spiritual abuse.
Marriage is a school of it’s own and most times we don’t know better and before we learn we err a lot. And as we heal it’s necessary to see our faults so that it does disorient our next relationships. Did I say next😉
My separation was to last only 6 months then I go back to till the land of marriage. But by the second month I knew I wasn’t going back. During that season I sought therapy and it paid off big time. Therapy actually didn’t even focus on the broken marriage or who broke it but it focused on me; Emily.
And so I discovered my toxic spice. The tool I also used in the demolishing of that institution.
My Communication was pretty bad.
I was a yeller.
And I majored in silence treatment when angry and maybe tried airing the issue and nothing happened.
I’d be quiet for weeks till I feel better.
I had learnt that I have a way of saying things that wasn’t appealing to the other gender. Like I’d say things like “But you’re so Petty ….” 😊 to my brothers from the lakeside, I hear this hurts their ego. Ati it’s very serious, it’s like saying “Why are you behaving like a child..” Wueeeh 🤭 yaani like chuldrens 😆😆😆
I come from a family of loud people, we laugh at everything and nothing. We make jokes even when people are mourning. When one is having a running tummy, we first laugh then help. So you can imagine how I made light of “weighty issues” according to my brother who’s extreme opposite. Very serious human.😊
I remember meeting my ex husband after 6 months of separation and asking him what he’s discovered was the issue and he tells me, “Emily I hope you’ve stopped shouting”. In most of our mediation meetings, he’d repeat the same “Emily shouts a lot” You wake him up today, he’ll say am a yeller, nowadays because it’s a long haul this thing, he adds “Emily lacked a father in her life, it contributed to her breaking the marriage” hehehe eeeeh.
Myself I confessed that I kept shouting a lot and sought pardon but not to be taken back.
To the victim of abuse, just to gossip alito. No one should use your daddy or mummy wounds to justify their behaviors. They’re just abusers, it’s a choice they make to react to issues in that manner.
I was Mara in my marriage
I was bitter and angry and and as it took a noose dive I realized I was extremely resentful.
Whenever good communication is lacking in a marriage the above vices are unavoidable in a marriage.
Naturally am a very quiet person unless our energies marry then someone will have to shut me up. And so both my family and his knew “Mama Kael hanaga maneno” 😊 (Kael’s mum is a quiet person) ,hahaha yes.
So through the marriage, I kept being quiet, on the very few occasions maybe once or twice when I communicated, I wasn’t heard and I kept quiet as usual.
In the quietness there’s accumulation of anger that keeps intensifying to extreme levels it’s very dangerous. When a wife is full of wrath, bitterness and resentment; its poison my friend. Danger.
I was always smiling, laughing and praising Jesus. Such irony.
During the last strides, I remember coming home, doing hugs and high 5s with my children and heading straight to the kitchen. No word to the other gender. According to me, I had tried everything through the years and I had no strength to engage in anything. And my silence treatment was extreme. And so I also fed my children some toxins. I was writhing with wrath from within and the day I opened my mouth to speak, I wailed and it didn’t end well. He threw blows and slaps.
I opened the doors of marriage with a baby.
And through it all, I kept paying the price of being taken in with a child. Since it made a lot of sense for me to be in a “complete family” I paid it all. In cases of unhealed men, they make it look like a favour. Whenever I see headlines like “He accepted her with her 3,4,t,6 children, I do feel a tight knot inside” “Accepted…Hmmmm..🤔 And anger was trickling into the reservoir. But I kept smiling still quiet.
When you’re in a circumstantial marriage and you’re the “villain ” you don’t talk much, you do much to prove a point. To make it clear that you’re such a blessing in their lives. In the doing much, anger keeps filling up the tank.
And as abusive traits kept coming in actually on my 2nd day into the marriage, I couldn’t say a word. Even when my fellow genders came into the picture, I just zipped. I wanted a complete famere😊. And at some point even before a year elapsed and we could be asked to pack and leave in the morning and by midday we’re asked again to “just” stay. I was still quiet, I told no one. I wanted complete family.
Even when I was told “Do family planning and you won’t have a family and a marriage!” I chose family, yes family to cherish and to hold.
Now anger is first filling up the tank.
And so through the years, I remained silence even when I was not the next of kin that would handle investments. Even when I was left for greener pastures, heavily pregnant actually due in 3 weeks time. I didn’t say no. I kept saying yes and smiling.
But then I had to talk you know, but instead I’d shout and yell because I was boiling from inside. I couldn’t control it, I yelled some more and more because I kept feeling unheard.
And we’re here today😊 just few months into 3yrs counting without the tittle of my favourite institution: marriage.😊
But now I know how to communicate, don’t you worry dear potential. Hahaha, jokes aside.
Silence is a communication that doesn’t communicate much but again it communicates much more.
And shouting is not a communication.
Your emotions are yours to handle not the other person.