The Foggy Phase Of Separation And Divorce

Till now I can’t tell how I feel about the lady who ended the life of her own child and consumed its contents. It happened months ago. My mental wellness hasn’t allowed me to view  the video, reading it is horrifying enough.

Separation and divorce is not the most catastrophic happening on the face of the earth. Yet again we can’t downplay its pain nor can we glorify it. 

We can only feel, go through it, process it, acknowledge it and finally stare it hard on the face and say … “Yes, I know you happened, but divorce you didn’t happen to finish me, you have no power to control me, You won’t control how I see children, how I see the world and how I view family. Did I say marriage? Yes that too.”

My heart still goes to that woman. I want to hold her in my arms and let her cry as long as she wishes. I don’t want to tell her it is well. I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t want her to explain what happened, because what just happened! I want to see her, see her some more and see her again until she realizes that she can be seen and even before the ordeal she could be seen only that she didn’t know. That woman can die standing or just when on the toilet seat relieving her bowels and giving a sigh of relief.

Divorce and separation is tough. It’s tougher  when an individual goes into the marriage to be hosted by it, when they refuse to be the hosts, when they depend on it to give them a name, an image, worth and some kinda victory in ticking a box.

They come in  empty to be filled, when they leave, the emptiness is more overwhelming and boldly jeering “you have nothing to show for your 8 yrs Susan!”  And you know Susan has been collecting offenses, anger that has slowly turned into wrath. Full blown wrath shows itself when Susan is now out of the cage. Susan’s environment and choices are very predictable.

Having been there. I can unapologetically say that most women or is it parties of toxic marriages would rather stay in it than leave. It’s more comfortable for them, it’s deemed ‘safe’ for them and a good cover. 

Nothing much is happening but a lot has happened and it’s chewing the couple to their ghosts, they love it  that way. No, they can put up with it. It’s better than leaving you know.

And so when one manages to step out or one leaves another in the shells of the institution … They’re torn into tiny little pieces hanging onto nothingness.

The  pain of leaving or being left is a whole village of pain on its own.

Then the pain of the marriage ending is a whole different village of pain.

Then comes the children sired or even not sired in that institution. This is a whole ball of pain without a good side. The children sometimes won’t speak but they’ll react and express the affluence of your toxins. Aaah, a bad ball this one.

So dealing with your loss, your leaving, loss of the marriage and disrupted lives of your children however how toxic that marriage was is a whole world of knife stabs.

You remove the knife on one part you feel an everlasting pain you’re scared of removing the other knife. It’s better when you don’t touch it. 

Then what happens when you don’t want to remove any knife stab and feel the pain, process it and give it a name? And then heal from it. They keep leaking toxins inside your system, into the organs, the resentment is so acidic it burns you up and blinds you.

As it burns you up it’s foggy, your vision is blurred, your words may also be slurred, you may be hallucinating. Everything makes no sense. You’re deeply depressed and out of touch that your children or child can easily pass as a piece of vegetable that calls for chopping or slicing. It’s a bad phase. No, I don’t like this phase.

I fear this phase when a woman leaves a toxic marriage. Many are applauding her for saving herself and many are calling her out and none or maybe few are asking her how she’s doing. No one is asking if they can take away the child or the children just for a while.

No one is asking if she’s able to mother the toddler, asking if she’s giving the toddler well cooked porridge. It may have salt instead of sugar or the child may not eat at all, the mummy’s hand is too feeble to hold a cup but can strongly hold a knife. She’s in a daze, it’s all foggy. Dangerous is safer than serenity.

This foggy phase may not have a duration.

I pray more for a woman after she’s left a marriage than when she’s planning to leave. 

I pray for healing over every individual who chooses to leave or gets left and they’re in a foggy season. May your eyes be led to see what you need at this moment and not what you want.

God is carrying you to safety!

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