Let’s Be Gentle With Our Healing Journey

In most cases there’s no rule for healing. But then again we can’t center it on us because we have to coexist with others. 

We rub on the society it rubs on us

We rub on family they rub on us

We rub on friends they rub on us

We rub on religion it rubs on us

We rub onto them along our journeys and they equally rub on us.

When we’re coming from hurtful places we tend to put up a defense mechanism in most of our interactions.

I had lots of them, I have some but I can detect when I am defensive and all guards up and am gracious with self.

You see, the best thing we did is our desire and saying yes to healing. And so because we have opened our hearts to it, we’ll have to receive it. Most cases we won’t receive it by running away from people or putting a guard but being in the process.  Feeling the process. Acknowledging the process. And naming the process.

Emily being commissioned during her graduation at The Farm - Global School of Missions (GSOM)

I process words and events so slowly. I can take ages. This can mean my healing can be slow but I am not worried. I process words carefully, separate them from the person who said them and again from myself so that I don’t carry their stench along. 

I separate the actions and words from the speaker and myself, letting them suspend in the air until they die and lose meaning over me. 

I only uphold the word of God over me, and those that I know have been sent to speak over me, to me or at me.

I felt so hurt in August 2022. A leader I respect told me “Emily you wanted freedom from your marriage, are you enjoying the freedom now?” 🤔 When a fellow woman spits out this kind of a statement to a woman who left an abusive marriage it slices the heart painfully.

Even religious leaders are yet to know and understand that domestic abuse shouldn’t be tolerated. Most of them are yet to say abuse is for shunning and separating from. I had gone seeking a way out to an amicable coparenting. It didn’t go well.

Have self compassion

Let’s get back to healing. I lasted close to four months, pondering, simmering and marinating over those words, and you can tell the words tortured my heart and being. But I finally left them suspended in the air till they died, they have no power over me.

You see, in this healing journey I have learnt self compassion. We don’t have to seek relevance. We don’t have to win over everyone or even someone. We don’t have to be right, we don’t have to be accepted by everyone or in spaces around us.

They don’t even have to buy our stories or even ideas. No. I know healing pushes us sometimes to hammer it into our environs that “by the way, we were right” but no it’s not so. 

They don’t have to tell us yes, their No is OK. 

Self compassion communicates walking light, not amassing hurts and  pains and words from our environs.

Choose to walk light

A journey of healing is a choice to deconstruct and walk light. When we keep harboring in our hurts that they didn’t say or do this and that we prolong our pain, we intensify it. We give the pain and heaviness a nod to carry on, we give it glory.

We need to walk light.

If we have to self defend we have to practice healthy defense mechanisms. Sometimes just smile and wave, you don’t have to say a thing.

Self compassion requires us to be gentle on self and apply the same gentleness to the communities and persons around us. The inside happenings need to be experienced on the outside.

We’re already aware that the worlds around us are unreceptive and mean and so we won’t apply their standards but the standards we want to see. Remember you broke a cycle. More so those of us who left abusive marriages.

Be mindful of other people

We can’t come out of chaotic hurtful spaces then we come out here and deposit toxins. Spread love. Let every hate, hurt dissipate, give what you want to see.

I have learnt that self compassion requires me to be teachable because in my healing journey I am also teaching. What if I want to teach healing when I can’t receive reproach. 

A gentle and a quiet spirit I need, I am creating a world I want to see. Am healing for my generation hence I have to be extremely intentional that my life will depict the future of my generation. We’re not healing for ourselves.

Healing is a journey of quiet confidence. This quiet confidence will say NO gently and still be around to say good morning and happy to see you. Because it’s compassionate and not kicking the air each time. 

Self compassion teaches us to say yes to accountability because as much as we have gathered alooooot of knowledge and we seem to know, we still need to glean over people’s knowledge. And be called out and us practicing self examination without pointing fingers.

A joyous Emily hugging happily

You know we’re walking out of the victim mentality. We’re walking out of am right he’s wrong. We’re walking out, I have the final say. We’re walking into “I hear what you’re saying, only that at the moment I don’t understand it, I’d love to see it like that but I may not be there yet, but am here to learn and unlearn.”

More so for Christians let me say believers since 80% of us are Christians. We have to be accountable to someone.

Again as we heal more so those of us who’ve gone through lots of pain in the hands of men – fathers, ex husbands and our hearts are programmed to unhear every man around us even the ones leading us in some areas of our lives. 

We have to know that self compassion also requires us to honor leaders so that we’re also honored. We give what we wanna receive.

Let God help you in your healing journey

Even if our truths seem so truthful and theirs so sketchy, no worries. We don’t have to win. God is in the healing process, and He reveals the truths we yearn only that sometimes our hearts are full of our own knowledge and since He’s gentle, He won’t force us. 

It’s our choice to surrender to His supremacy and His leadership to shepherd us to the quiet waters where we’ll hear clearly without forming a fist or a qualm.

What are your current defense mechanisms in your healing journey?

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