Leave and Live (Part 2)

I have been skirting around this subject; “counseling the couple who’ve gone through abuse”

To a huge extent it scares me but again is there comfort in caressing fear?

Am still so disturbed by the sudden deaths happening in homes with couples prior to their deaths displaying such extensive love worth being jealous of!

 Aren’t these premature deaths we do pray against or which ones are these? Instead of praying and sitting can something be done?

Am just disturbed…

In most marriages there’s always that wife or husband that thinks of seeking help when sour is almost escalating to bitter. And in this case I speak about abusive marriages. Someone has to reach out, even though in most cases they won’t have a hearing because their PDA (Public Display of Affection) is to drool over.

I speak for the woman.

And I speak for a Christian woman- believer in church.

I was once in a place of combat, a place of being defensive because I had developed some wrong immunity after the abuse,  I would be in the kitchen and am eying the pan or the knife in case of anything. I was always watching my back, I’d be sleeping with one eye open, a slight touch and I’d be screaming in the middle of the night. A tight grip and my heart would be racing. It was bad trying to assume normalcy after a physical abuse.

And I realized that my reactions that were in fright and flight modes were dangerous to me and to my atmosphere. And it was time I step aside.

A woman who’ve gone through abuse when undergoing counseling should never be allowed or do I say coerced to live under the same roof with the abuser. Never.

Asking such a couple to see each other with the eyes of love and give marriage a chance is exposing either of them to unknown risks.

Two unhealed humans in the same atmosphere. No!

In most cases the abuser will apologize in the presence of the mediator with a pinch of remorse accusing the victim that were it not for them they couldn’t have lifted a finger. They were forced to.

Then at home they assume normalcy because they’re unwhole, and dead to the pain of another but alive to their own.

They should be asked to live separately. The abuser will never see the magnitude of their abusive behavior when from the counseling office they resume their normalcy in marriage. They will even blame the victim for overreacting and creating a mountain out of a mole hill. Sometimes the pursuers of marriage are incognizant of the magnitude of the effects of abuse on the woman or even on the couple..

When a man lays their hand on a woman it cuts deep, it doesn’t only leave her with cuts and bruises but a grieved heart, a bleeding heart. She’s been violated in every sense and then she’s asked to put up with the perpetrator in the name of a husband because “you know we’re believers, you know children shouldn’t be raised with only one parent, you’ll disrupt the family setup, love covers multitude of wrongs…..”

I tell you it’s the same as sleeping on the same bed with a rapist. They will do it again thinking you enjoyed it, because they’re so dead inside.

There should be an understanding that, a woman whose body, soul has been battered severely is forever scared of the abuser. The fear is indescribable, they’re always anticipating a fight, they’re always in limbo, unsafe, hiding and dodging things even in their mind. It is a maladie that is not cured by cohabiting in the same environment with the abuser.

The presence of the abuser only increases the racing of her heart, the severe panics and anxiety in most cases the mediators may not see or maybe it is a non-issue.

But lemmie tell you; the escalation of abuse is in the entertaining, in the brushing off, in the thinking the victim is a believer and they will forgive and find comfort in the bosom of the abuser. The victim is a bleeding woman who’s yearning to be heard but the mass is hearing the institution of marriage and doctrines.

Have we as Christians ever that, a woman in such circumstances is incapacitated spiritually?

How will they pray even for themselves when the presence of the abuser sucks the very air they both inhale?

Amidst all these, the heart of the victim hardens assuming that they’re stronger than the pain within. Then the victim develops defensive mechanism because her inner person wants to fight the abuser, then this births RESENTMENT, she loathes the abuser with a passion because her heart burns with questions seeking apology and someone to address the matter in relation to her pain.

Does the mediator have an understanding that Anger, bitterness, resentment and some more hatred is a bucket full of sin? How long will mediators handling abusive marriages nip such vices in the bud?

How much sin is sin?

One thing that got me wanting out was the resentment that was building up inside of me. The kind of pain that would come and I feel so resentful, defensive and fearful at the same time. Then it dawned on me that I may miss heaven holding up a marriage whilst the volcano of resentment has exceeded the boiling point waiting to erupt.

It’s ok to let the abused stay away from the abuser, marriage is here to stay. The children will still have a father and a mother.

Urging the victim to stay with the abuser is same as slicing her heart in small pieces each and every day. When is starts bleeding into some other organs, the media houses will air it – Someone may die or they can as well die and the mass will type RIP.

But some victims had long died from inside.

They’re only waiting for the physical burial.

The escalation of abuse is in the enabling.

Please let the victim LEAVE TO LIVE.

To the mediator what would you tell your daughter or son?



~Emily Omondi

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