For victims of abuse who are in denial, excusing abuse can be as simple as “I am praying for my husband to be born again, he sleeps with other women because he doesn’t know better…..
Victim: You know my husband beats me up because he’s not born again. He’s not walking in light so that’s why his actions towards me are full of darkness. Pray with me brethren.
Brethren: Don’t worry sister, we’re with you on this.
Each time a person makes a choice to be born again it tears me up. There’s some joy that just stirs my heart in unexplainable way. I support missions with all my heart, you see those bus preachers, I support them without questioning sometimes even foolishly.
I got born again earlier but for the last time in 2014 having made many walks to the alter previously without consistency in the journey. And so having gotten married then, my main prayer item was…
“Am praying for my husband to be born again”
This statement spoke a language I understood well. In my mind it was deduced that ..when my man yields to Jesus, everything else will be squared.. Yes yeah, everything else that was happening.
And so did I excuse domestic abuse?
Yes, in vast ways yet I didn’t realize.
I’d go sharing with a sister how I feel about things then conclude the whole conversation with “But you know if he receives Jesus, everything will be OK, we will be able to reason from the same side of the coin” …it sounds selfish and controlling now that I write it, I had no idea then.
Now this kind of mindset to a Christian woman is lethal, dark and short lived. The woman becomes the martyr of the marriage in her head. She starts excusing adultery, she excuses slaps here and there, she excuses insults, body shaming and all forms of abuse just because she’s now holding the man up in prayer!
And the danger also is if it happens, she’ll go like.. “were it not for me… you wouldn’t have….”
She goes through marital rape, she shares with another sister and she’s told it is sin to withhold it
from the husband. At that time she’s so ravaged because maybe the man she’s praying for keeps telling her that he wants a child as soon as the next morning, her conception is monitored and he does it again, the woman coils at the far corner of the bed. She’s a sex tool but you know she’s praying for her husband to be born again. No he can’t rape her, it’s just his right.
You see abuse is a behavioral problem and being born again won’t cleanse them unless they yield their hearts for cleansing. Abuse is what has built inside over time, it’s a choice they’re making. They’re choosing to manifest their angers in blows, kicks and jabs, if they want they’ll make you feel small by crushing your heart in million pieces when they tell you how useless you are.
I had prayed so much for mine those days that every prayer group I was in could tell my prayer item without my mentioning. I’d go for those big conferences and walk to the altar only to ask the pastor to pray for my husband. Yes I never had a prayer item of my own needs. One time a sister in christ when I didn’t share my prayer request after the meeting asked the leader that he adds my usual..”let’s pray for Emily’s husband to be
bornagain.” It was assuring yet startling.
At home whenever he’d be around he’d ask me to drop the church nonsense, I wouldn’t open my discipleship books at home, he’d say those books were authored by men so nothing to gain. I’d go to church under conditions since I’d be called immediately after the service ends to go home. Whenever I’d share with brethren… statements like .. You know he’s your husband and he’s not born again he doesn’t know better just stay home and listen to him! And so I’d be home wifing yet my heart yearned to be out there fellowshipping. You know he’s not born again, he doesn’t know better.
The item unknowingly became my idol and my religiosity was huge than my relationship with God.
You see their brain and humanity doesn’t need to be bornagain but just to act right.
Even those days of him not knowing better are the days, when as a woman who knows the Lord having been told to keep my home, I’d put effort in looking the part and still be told, I wouldn’t have even tried because I looked ugly and silly. Those are the days I flew back to the kitchen alot of times because my
food somehow didn’t taste better.. And you know grace is sufficient am praying for my husband to be bornagain.
There’s no trophy in putting up with abuse because a spouse is not born again. That person has common sense, if they can wash their face without hurting their eyes, they know they shouldn’t hurt you at any cause
And so born again it happened!
It happened a week after now a second physical abuse. Happy is an understatement, I was soaking in joy unexplainable! I even sang with this same voice, I sang in church and brethren joined in, it was a frenzy, I cried and testified. The Labour paid off.
But not so soon…
When the 3rd one happened, I lost all my excuses and I knew since getting born again is an inner conviction, leaving an abusive marriage is also an inner conviction. Jesus already died for us, we can’t keep dying. One day one will be too frail to wail, then they’ll be no more even in the process of praying for their husband to walk in the light.
Before marriage to avoid the toil of praying for him/her to be born again please don’t be unequally yoked
Unequally yoked in values, beliefs, ideas, ..anything you feel you won’t put up with however likable just drop it.
It’s a toil fixing up someone’s behavior using religion.
Give them space and pray for them from a distance.
Save your life and sanity.
And me and you know there are many individuals who are born again but abusive. Because they’ve chosen to be bigger than the redeeming power of God, bigger than the saving grace of God. They’ve put themselves above it all. Reigning massages their ego, and they won’t trash abuse for nothing.
It’s a beautiful thing to pray for your spouse to experience God personally but when they’re abusive won’t it be also beautiful to pray with your eyes open.
Yes open to see abuse and call it out and disengage from such vice.
~Emily Omondi