In the journey of familiarising myself with Him as God, (relating to Him as God,) by design He slipped in God the Father card. I won’t say I liked it.
I hadn’t paid much attention or even loved conversations on God being the father till I joined a mission school @ www.thefarm.academy 3 months ago. And so in the deconstruction and shredding off all the filth, my insecurity is tapped. I kept running, they tap again, I run and they gently tap, I shut down that part of my mind that doesn’t want to relate with it, and they tapped some more!
One particular week as we did our devotion together. We had a focus on a sentence from our Lord’s prayer “our father who art in heaven” It was spoken so gently and softly that it kept landing calmly. I didn’t like it. It kept resounding until I couldn’t handle it. One classmate referred to Him as “daddy” another as they prayed called Him “papa” I shut down completely, got vexed and dissociated myself from the happenings of that morning till the 4th day.
It may have been the realisation of Him being a man as projected in the bible that scared me or rather
angered me or Him being a daddy! Like what a man! what a dad! Let Him remain the sovereign God He is but none of the above. Naaaa 🤨🤨🤨🤨
You see for a woman or a man who’s gone through rape, domestic abuse, molestation.. etc before we heal or even in the process of healing, a man is a man. A father is a father. They’re the same. In their mind the said is a carrier of torment, torture, pain, unconcerned, unbothered, brutal, mean, dictator and all the words their mind can come up with to put a name to their feelings.
That week’s devotion exposed me to the battle field of processing the word “Father”, though bitter, scared but commiting to the process.
I had to stop running, sit, unpack and walk light.
Healing is painful I confess. Healing is a threshing floor, you’re too beaten to rise up or you’re too determined though frail to pick up your new form.
I had to unpack the pain of a little girl who waited and waited to be asked by her dad “who shifted your panty my daughter? why are you walking like that? why are you smelling like that? what happened? who’s that man, I deal with him?” I had to unpack shift my focus from the ideation of a man I had in my mind!
I had to unpack the pain of a young girl, always running to escape sexual harassment from a man or compromising to belong so as to be safe; yeah protection. The earlier created belief system was he can protect and hurt at the same time and it’s ok.
I had to unpack the pain of rape! Them glaring in my eyes and saying ” I want this, and am having it by force and there’s nothing you can do, noone will believe you, they’ll say I didn’t force you, you’re adult enough….” I had to unpack the confusion of “love” in the familiar arms. A man can have their way, and it’s still my fault..
I had to unpack the belief I had engraved in my heart that a man or father can roughen up a woman in the watch of his children and walk free because they’re powerful and noone can ask them. The blame is on the woman who made them angry.
A father can hear his children screaming and calling out for help and still proceed with his mission to cause pain to his target and still remain a father. His place of a father and the man won’t be questioned!
I had to unpack!..
I had to unpack the lie that when a man/ a father is wronged there’s no coming back: Once a sinner always a sinner. I had to internalise the prodigal son story with a new mindset. The father saw off his son as he set out for his chosen path, yet he came back beaten and finished and fell into the most loving arms of the father! What love this is! I don gerrit!!! what a gracious father!
And so I realized the journey of embracing God the Father required me to drop all that I had gathered, be a child a gain, believe again, be teachable again and just yield and surrender.
Surrender because God can never prove Himself to me as a father because He is, He has been, He will be. All my life I may have waited for Him at the door to prove to prove Himself as my daddy!
But again I couldn’t see because I had gathered all sorts of filth aligned to man and father beliefs. I will say He unpacked me and reMEMBERED me to Himself, and so I belong.
I rested in the fact that I belong to God my father who art in heaven.