In the recent times, I’ve come across the above statement or is it a lament, mostly from ladies stuck in marriages or situations that are more hurtful to them than being an orphan.
I do not refute the fact that it’s painful to be an orphan more so when you come from a poor background. It’s a pain that only the orphaned can explain. Even a man at his 40s would still yearn to be comforted by a mum or being patted at the back by a dad and the compliment “Am proud of you son”… Would sure awaken their tear glands, it would be as though they’ve been waiting for that statement like forever. A daughter like myself in my thirties I flood myself with buckets of tears whenever a daddy I love calls me “daughter” because I’ve not had one since I was nine and I had been too bitter to find myself one who’d mentor me. The word “daughter” kinda reassures me, reinstates and gives me ground.
So what am trying to say is, being an orphan is very valid despite our ages, but dwelling on it is inflicting pain on self. It’s painful enough to lack someone who calls you daughter or son.
Am actually talking about partial orphans too and even the many women and men that were let to grow after birth and raising them wasn’t part of the contract.
In my understanding no one gets married to leave the marriage we marry to thrive and keep thriving.
In the last 2 months I have kept reading stories on abuse if am able to because am still struggling to grasp the whole abuse thing. Then my attention was drawn to the lamentation
“But am an orphan sina mahali pa kwenda” or kwetu I don’t have anyone who can accept me back” What was your motive for getting married
What was your Main reason for being in that relationship? Marriage?
Because you’re an orphan did you by any chance end in that marriage by the sheer fact that it would be a rescue home for you?
Then your husbae would definitely be a child protector. Not a protector to you as wife. You’ll be playing daughter father role till reality dawns on you that it was supposed to be a husband wife relationship and unfortunately you’ve lost your bearing, because the head of the home would no longer be a daddy but a husband,at the same time you desire the husband side so much yet the daddy obsession is unquenchable. Is that even English.
No sooner had this chaotic situation set in than conflicts that would soon blend abuse creep in.
You see as a child, a parent would definitely be speaking over you, sometimes making decisions without your consent. But si that was kitaaambo during my time, today we engage them before deciding on the length of their uniforms. So when you are so used to shushing your voice as your husbae speaks for, over and above you yet you’re the helper, a time comes when you want to fit in your wife gown and boom! it doesn’t matter since you’ve been silent. You’ve been a child not a helper, you married to be daddied and imagine you won’t even tell on him or even call him out since you’re still putting on both baby and wifey shoes. Am not a marriage counselor. I speak as an experienced orphan.
So when I met my heartbeat, my aswito my chumbi nyiri, my those words. I was swimming in the daughter daddy world, he caught me in great pursuit of finding a daddy, oblivion of my unmet desire, and he married a “child”. You don’t know how I’d feel when he’d hold my hand and help me cross the road, I have phobias crossing busy roads, my eyes kinda see in twos, I can freak out in the middle of the road. But then those days he didn’t know my pretty eyes were that messed. He’d speak softly and tenderly to me like a dad. How later on in marriage he’d tuck me in bed, yes he kept tucking the big “child” and the small ones.
Yes I married the idea of a dad till the wife fact struck me…..and then abuse started happening in all the confusion.
Dear orphaned woman/ girl.
- Before marriage, heal from the pain of lack of a dad or rather parents. yes pona kabisa such that hata kama haezi fix bulb there will be no lump on your throat. Heal my sister, heal.
- Please get married to your husband not your father. They can only be a husband to you and a father to your children.
- Find yourself a daddy mentor with good intentions; a dad you’d call to tell if the shoes is kinda being unjust to your last toe, a daddy you cry and laugh with equally, a daddy who’d call you out when you’re playing games with the other gender.
- Of importance; connect with your Father in heaven, learn to draw closer to him in summer, winter, and yes all seasons. Make him your refuge, Shield, rock, friend, and shade by day defense by night. Isn’t this what we want from our earthly fathers!
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- And connecting with God begets a relationship, yes saying yes to him because He’s been waiting.
Getting born again introduces your Father to you better
- My sister, my friend our FATHER in heaven desires that you’re safe, whole and sane for His glory not silent and hiding inside the abyss of abuse for the glory of that man or even that abusive relative.
He is concerned about His daughter, He knows you as a daughter not as a wife or an orphan.
The king proclaims the Lord ’s decree: “The Lord said to me, ‘You are my son. Today I have become your Father.
Psalms 2:7 NLT.